There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
