so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
