i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She's the barista slut.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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