I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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