So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
