i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
