pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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