i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He is an equal opportunity slut.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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