My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
