Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
