For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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