i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
