Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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