Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
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I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
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Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
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