Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
