considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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