I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
the liver wants what the liver wants
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
