call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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