Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize