youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
