my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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