if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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