i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
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He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
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I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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