3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
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I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
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One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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