I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
