He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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