I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
