I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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