Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
