Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
