I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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