i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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