when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
