Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
