a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize