I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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