Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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