Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
