I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
