my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
