Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
