he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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