Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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