So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Redeem this text for a blowjob
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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