Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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