I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
