Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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