I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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