I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
