I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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