Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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