even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Couch. On fire.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
