Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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