I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
