Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
