I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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