I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
