she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
my shit smells like andre
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Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
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He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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