And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
this must be what syphilis tastes like
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
