Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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