i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
