Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
