so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
