I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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